yeah...im writing right now cause im bored.. because staring at the sccreen hurts my eyes...because i feel bad for telling emerson that i was going to sleep...but then ending up not being able to. i feel lonely. i feel worried and aggitated. not as if many people reading this actually care that i do...but still, that's the way it is..i just want to get a speed watch and fast forward through this agony. it always seems to b people who r indirectly linked my life, screwing it up. not that they care how i feel, because, well, they're indirectly linked, y should it matter to them? my eyes tell it all. whether it be the tears or just the bags that stretch out below them. or maybe it's just my soul, maybe, if ne one out there's daring enuff to peak, they'd see a tired soul that's shivering from overuse. from fighting to hold on. but everyone's like that. rnt they? i dont know. i dont know why i bother...i dont know why sum things surprise me ne more, i dont know why im so determined, i should just go to sleep...but...i cant get myself there, it's as if, they're winning if i do that. i cant let that happen...can i?
People gang up against other people. that's wat teachers do. yes, they make up rules even tho they kno the rules r stupid. yes, i am 16 and still having my ilfe run for me...y do u ask? not that they care ne wayz. grown ups just screw up childrens lives, because their lives were screwed up from their grownups. not surprising. not surprising at all. and it's not like this process means ne thing to them, maybe, they're not the ones who are living their "true" lives, maybe we're not the ones who r 'growing up" maybe we're the ones who r dying, and they're the ones who r already dead.
a watch. i like my watch. it tells me when i need to do things, so that later it wont come bac to bite me in the ass. i wish it had an answer for this one. oh i wish it did. ud think contacting sum1 would b easy. no, it's not. when someone's supposed to b there for u, at those hardest times, it seems the most impossible. that it does. maybe im just screwing myself over. i dunno. life's weird that way. i dont know, so how can u blame me? or ne one else? there's no comfort for those who need it. where's mine? i dont know. i really dont know. and that's makes me long for even more comfort. where is it? i dont know...and so im left here. staring. time can go on forever. if u let it. just on and on and on. killing u. "time heals all" it has the opposite affect to. where r ur tears koibito? i would wipe them for u. if i could. if i could. and if u knew that i knew, that would b good, cause i know u hurt. that i do, but i wish i could tell u i kno, i wish i could tell u im hurting to. and i wish the big huge weight that pushes me down would just disapear. i wish freedom could take me over, the kind when u breath in and all u smell is the fresh air. u dont kno ur free because u smelled fresh air, u kno ur free cause u actually took the time to. that kinda freedom. that kind. and u wish other people didnt affect ur life so much. u wish they wouldnt look at u and go, "PSH! they dunno wth they doiing. imma gonna do it for them, so that they dun screw up. them screwing up pisses me off. no. dont. screw. up. u. idiot. idiot u. how stupid can u get?" words like that could only come from someone who is dead. ne?
i would wear a white dress. a white frilly dress, if it meant that i get to sit on a wooden swing hanging from a strong tree branch. if i got to feel the gentle summer breeze against my face, and breath it in, just because, i have the time too. i would wear that dress, to fit a picutre perfect scene, and in this scene i would hear the laughter of my loved one, and cherish it, and marvel at how i respond with a similar laughter. i laughter that should never, ever, be denied to ne one. and a feeling of such love that everything else disapears. and it actually can disapear. it can. i would even spend painful hours in labour, just to hear the laughter of two wingless angels. and pray, and hope, that i dun screw up their lives, that just maybe, they'll forgive me for doing that to them, that just maybe, they'll remember that picture perfect scene. even when they're dying. even when they're dead. and i would do this to hear their laughter, making the perfect song of joy with every other sound and to have them pounce into my lap. a look of such awe for the world in their eyes...u wonder wat they see that's so great...and in this picture perfect scene...i would not have to imagine me being ne where else but there. in the picutre perfect scene. id know, that at least, i died and went to heaven. unlike those ghosts, that terrorize this Earth.
i dunno what else to write...but i kno i waited. and i guess ill hafta wait some more.
